Libby's Journal - May

May 1

We are finally at the time of year when you can plant stuff so I am getting to work on that. My early flowers like tulips and daffodils did fabulous this year.

Last year, I did a lot of flower paintings, some of which have been on display at that gallery down the street from Lia's. And I heard today that two more of them have been sold!

Ya gotta be fairly quick when you are painting flowers. If they are still in the ground they can change overnight. Even when cut and in a vase they will change slightly as they begin to wilt. So, I always try to complete a painting in one day. I don't necessarily have to finish the vase, of course. They can be a little tricky too if they are crystal but at least they will look the same tomorrow as they do today.

I gravitated to painting flowers because they are so colorful and delicate and sensual. Flowers are the most sensual thing I have painted -- well, other than the vagina of a girl named Phoebe that I painted so she could give it to her boyfriend because they were going to be separated for a semester. It's one thing to paint a nude body, but if the whole painting is to be a vagina then the model really has to spread herself and the artist has to be fairly close to see the detail. She found the experience very sexy (as did I), and the resulting image was quite shiny!

I generally prefer to paint with oils because I think the colors are better and I prefer the texture. But of course oil takes a while to dry and when the artist is a crazy-frenetic, recklessly manic person, that can be risky.

A few years ago, I was making a little money painting individual flowers on 4x6 cards that I sold through a shop. I only made $5 each, but I could crank those babies out -- using acrylic paint because it dries fast.

* * * * *

May 5

I'm having to break in a whole new shrink cause my old one has gone to Europe on sabbatical and I'm in my fifth month of not taking Depakote for our pregnancy effort, and if the turkey baster thing doesn't work then we might go to a fertility doctor. Maybe we just might need a more high-tech way of inserting the sperm, but considering how that process normally takes place I don't think we're doing anything wrong.

Anyways, so there I was having my first session and telling my whole entire history of my life all over again and finally I said, hay here's the URL to my blog. So I wrote it down and gave it to her. I mean, heck, my whole life history is right here out in the open. I figure that'll save me a couple hundred bucks just in background conversations. So if you're reading this . . . "Hi Doc!"

* * * * *

May 9

Molly is visiting for the weekend, and, of course we ran around naked outside in the weather, which was a chilly, drizzly rain.

Saturday, we had everyone over to our house for dinner, including Jack. Molly had been nude since arriving Friday night, but was a little uncertain what to do when people came over. Obviously, I told her, everybody is used to seeing one naked girl in this house, so it really would not be a big deal to see two naked girls. Plus, she had already met everyone individually at one point or another -- including Jack -- and she had been naked on those occasions. She said she would be fine with it herself, but wasn't sure if maybe I preferred being the only one naked at a party. I thought it was sweet of her to consider that, but assured her that was not an issue for me at all.

So that decision was pretty easily made, and Molly and I were both nude for dinner. There were eight of us, and there was much drinking and dancing and laughing. Oh, and we ate dinner also -- an Alfredo-pesto-spinach pizza that I invented (with chicken on most of it for the carnivores).

It was raining off and on, sometimes coming down hard, and at one point Molly and I ran out in it and rolled in the grass. We came in shivering but neither of us wanted to dry off, so the party continued while the two of us were dripping wet with blades of grass stuck to our skin. Nobody found this unusual, of course, because they are used to my behavior and the only change was now there were two of us.

Naturally, I was hyper-interested in the dynamic between Jack and Molly. They did get along really well, it seemed, and tended to be in close proximity to each other the whole evening, whether we were in the kitchen, or at the dining room table, or out on the porch. Sadly, other than some flirtation, I don't think anything went on between them. Molly is actually involved right now with some woman that she sees a lot back at the house where she lives in the city. But from what she has told me, I doubt that will be anything long-term. So I am not discouraged. After all, we matchmakers know how to play the long game.

* * * * *

May 15

It has rained almost every day the past week, but now it is much warmer. The ground has been too wet for me to do hardly any gardening. All's I got in the ground are peas and tomatoes so far. I always start with tomato plants that are already about a foot tall (started in greenhouses) so we can get ripe tomatoes as soon as possible and for as much of the summer as possible. I grow other stuff, but for the most part what I grow doesn't taste that much better than what you can buy in the store -- except tomatoes!!

Yesterday Mona had the softball chicks over for batting practice. I'm not on the team but they let me practice with them. I'm basically terrible at it, but when you're cute and all you wear is a ballglove and sneakers, nobody minds if you can't catch. The running joke about me and sports is that I'm only in it for the butt-pats, so I get a lot of them.

The afternoon started out sunny, but there were fat, blue-gray rain clouds hovering like giant zeppelins in a parallel dimension movie (they always seem to have zeppelins in those other dimensions).

A drizzly rain started coming down, which none of us minded, but then the sun broke thru again and a rainbow formed right in front of us. It was a great one too, going all the way, unbroken, from one end to the other. There was the beginnings of a double ring, but it didn't go all the way up.

Some of the girls wanted to keep playing, but not me. I have learned that rainbows are rare gifts from God and when She gives me one, I sit down in the wet grass and watch it for as long as it is there for me. Which is what I did, and pretty soon everyone else was watching it too. The sun disappeared and so did the rainbow, just like that. The rain started coming down harder and everyone else ran up to the house. But I walked. Slowly. The rain came down hard and I turned my face up into it and said a little prayer of thanksgiving, not just for the rainbow, but for all the good things in my life.

* * * * *

May 17

I just got back from a quick visit back home to check on my grandma. She is doing GREAT. She has completely recovered except for getting tired more easily than she used to. We spent half the day sitting outside in her back yard watching the birds and squirrels.

For her belated Mother's Day present I got her some flower boxes for her porch railing, cause she told me she couldn't kneel down in the flower beds anymore. I got six of them and they almost completely surround her front porch, and I bought a bunch of annuals and some bags of good dirt. While she worked on her flower boxes I tended to her flower beds out in the yard. I thinned out her daffodils and replanted them in other places. As I put each of them in the ground I noticed that they look just like sperm cells, the little bulb at one end and the trailing green tail. Tears were on my cheeks as I put those little guys in the fertile earth and I gave them each a little blessing as I did so.

* * * * *

May 20

Although the Amazing Nature Girl has been in our swimming pool many times already this Spring, the weather has mostly been too cold and rainy for mere mortals. This was the first truly warm weekend so we had all the girls over for our first pool party of the summer.

We had a lovely time, and were all skinnydipping. I had to balance things cause I wanted to invite Jack over too -- and I did, for dinner. But I kept the earlier part of the day girls-only. Then later in the evening close to dinner, Jack came down to join us, but everyone but me was dressed by then.

Some people have asked me how Jack reacts to me being nude -- whether he just ignores it or is horny or whatever. He does not ignore the fact that I am naked -- and he knows I don't want him to. When he first arrives, he will give me a little look up and down and tell me I look very nice today. And then after that mostly it is just normal. But sometimes I am really manic and excited about something and when I am like that I also tend to bounce on the balls of my feet a lot, and naturally this makes my boobs bounce as well. Jack is normally pretty good about where he puts his eyes for more than a second or two at a time, but when I am bouncy, he just gives up and watches.

But anyways, he came over, and we grilled portobella mushrooms and after we ate outside we turned the music on loud and everybody danced. Jack is a good dancer, a natural comfortable dancer which is kinda rare with guys. Some of them are "good dancers" but in that practiced, self-conscious way. Jack just boogies and he is happy enough to dance all by himself if no one else is up for it -- which has never been a prob when I am around cause I am a dancer too. And so is Mona and so is Dana.

When the music has a 1950s "twist" beat, Jack and Mona will imitate the dance between John Travolta and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

When we are in the mood to show off, Mona and I will put on music for the rumba or tango. We have learned most of the main ballroom dance moves and are pretty good nowadays.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Margot tend to sit on their butts drinking and watching as the rest of us dance till we drop on the grass and look at the stars while the night air cools the sweat from our bodies.

* * * * *

Yesterday evening, we ended up having a fantastic time visiting friends, but before it became fantastic it was almost a disaster.

I have mentioned before that Mona's old friend Mickey has recently moved to town with her girlfriend, Raygan. They were looking to buy a house, but hadn't found the right one and Mona told them about a property for lease just down the road from us. There is some legal reason why it can't be sold yet, but they could get a one-year lease and move in immediately, which they did.

They decided to have a little house-warming party, and when they invited us they encouraged me to be nude if I wanted to. This prompted Mona to grill them on exactly who else would be in attendance -- which turned out to be two girl couples that we already knew, plus two hetero couples we didn't know, plus Raygan's younger brother, Jeff, and his college roommate.

This did not really fit with our usual game plan because there would be four dudes that I had never even met. Raygan assured us that the guys were all very nice and that she would personally supervise her brother and his friend. I was warming to the idea but expected Mona to shoot it down. Instead, however, she pointed out that because their place was only 10 miles down our little-trafficked road, that I could leave our house naked, not take any clothing with me, and ride in her open convertible down to their house where everyone would see me arriving at the party nude.

This was such a tantalizing opportunity that I was immediately on board. My "rule" about the number of dudes and whether I've met them before is just a basic safety thing, and in this case I knew it didn't represent a true risk. My actual most important rule is that every guest, male and female, would be told in advance that I would be coming naked because the biggest thing I fear is someone looking at me with shock and disapproval (which is more likely to come from a female than a male).

But Mona was still focused on the guy thing and lectured Mickey and Raygan they needed to make it clear to every male guest that (1) they mustn't take photos, and (2) they damned well better not treat me like some stripper because I was a sweet, wholesome girl who just happened to be a nudist! I could tell that this speech was starting to offend our friends so I hurriedly made a joke about Mona's protectiveness and told them the story of her jar of dog testicles.

Anyways, time went on and yesterday we were getting ready to go. I took a long bath and as I put on my body lotion in front of the mirror, I was trying to decide whether to "dress up" a little by pinning up my hair and wearing dangly earrings, but if I did that then maybe I should wear heels and do up my face more than usual. But I decided I just wanted to be comfortable so I put on my "no makeup" makeup, tied my hair back in a ponytail and wore my comfy flat sandals.

I was nervous because I would be going outside of my usual comfort zone. It helped that I was at the sweet spot of my mania cycle, so even though I was nervous, I was also very confident, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew that I was beautiful -- not just in that "we are all beautiful" kinda way, but actually beautiful in the specific way that nearly everybody considers beautiful. I know that sounds vain, but it is an important part of my self-confidence when I am about to go naked in front of people I haven't met yet because I always fear I will see in someone's eyes a wince of disappointment. On the few occasions when I have gone to nudist resorts, I have most definitely seen some bodies I would have preferred not to see naked (which is why I stopped going to those places), and yet I parade myself in front of people naked all the time. That is usually at my own house, of course, and usually they have already seen me in clothes before and could mentally extrapolate what I probably looked like naked so they could decide whether they wanted to see that or not.

I could feel my mania meter click up a half-notch or so, which was good but I wanted to stay at the level I was at for a while because I didn't want to get to the frenetic, breathless jabbering stage too soon. I went downstairs to the kitchen and noticed Mona had left her half-empty glass of vodka tonic on the counter so I drank down a big tingly gulp. Then I made one of my own. She was out in the driveway polishing up her little two-seater BMW, so I took my drink out there and shared it with her while we kissed. Not surprisingly, her hand was quickly between my legs, but I stopped her after a few indecisive seconds, telling her I was a little nervous about the party and didn't want to have an orgasm right then because I'm braver when I'm a smidgen horny.

So we got in the car with the top down, the leather seat toasty against my bottom, and she coasted down the driveway to the gate. Andrea and Dana were going to the party also, but driving separately so we could take Mona's convertible.

The wind and sunshine felt absolutely magnificent and I reveled in both as she turned onto the road and sped up. But then as we approached Andrea and Dana's house, Mona said, "I have an idea" in the mischievous tone of voice that I have come to recognize. She slowed and pulled in the driveway next to their car.

"Why are you stopping," I asked suspiciously.

"You're going to drive this car," she said, "and I'll ride with them."

"Why?"

"So that YOU, babydoll, can arrive at the party all alone and naked in an open convertible. We'll show up 10 or 15 seconds later, after you've made your big entrance."

The only thought in my brain was: Zowee, that's a good idea. How tantalizing! So Mona got out of the car and I scootched over into the driver's seat. Now that I was going to be driving, I reminded myself that I'd just had one and a half vodka tonics, which wasn't enough to make me drunk, but I also had a kettle of mania simmering on the back burner, so I knew I'd better be careful not to wreck Mona's sports car.

I did have the foresight to put on my seatbelt, and as Mona went up the steps to the house I pulled out onto the road and carefully shifted to get up to a reasonably safe speed. In my focus on these details, I didn't realize I was leaving prematurely, before Andrea and Dana were quite ready -- which meant they would be more than just 15 seconds behind me.

It's only about 10 miles to their house, and I had the road to myself, the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair. I was ecstatic with The Moment. I am pretty good at appreciating the current moment, whatever it happens to be, but this was definitely a great moment.

I had never been to their house, but I knew which one it was. Like our property, the house is set back in the woods and their gravel driveway is curvy so it is quite private.

After I turned into their drive, I popped off the seatbelt so I could be fully exposed as I coasted around the curve and saw Mickey and Raygan on their porch with other people. I stopped and waved to them fetchingly, knowing I was gloriously illuminated in the sunshine. I was basking in the attention of all the faces on the porch, so it took me a few seconds to realize there were a lot more faces than I'd been expecting -- and that most of them were male.

As Mickey and Raygan hurried down the steps towards me, I looked at all the parked cars and started doing the math. A guy I guessed was Jeff hovered in the background looking sheepish, but not quite sheepish enough to avert his eyes.

When they got close enough to speak, the girls blurted out overlapping apologies and explanations. Evidently, Jeff and his roommate had bragged of this to a few of their friends, who disbelieved them but invited themselves to the party just in case. Mickey and Raygan didn't even know they were coming until the guys started arriving -- each bringing offerings of beer, hot wings and pizza in order to (in their minds) make up for the inconvenience. But that meant that instead of four dudes I hadn't met, now there were apparently about 10. Mickey said she had tried to alert Mona, but realized she only had her email and not her phone number.

As my brain digested this news, I also noticed the tension in their voices. Mickey and Raygan seemed irritated with each other, and especially with Jeff -- and we all knew without having to say it out loud that there would be hell to pay when Mona got there and saw all those guys. Raygan was offering to go get me some clothing and Mickey was saying they would understand if I just wanted to leave.

I had a millisecond of doubt, but then my mania meter clicked up a full notch and I made a decision -- completely confident that it was the best possible decision. I waved away the girls' worries and got out of that car with my chin up like Princess Di on a red carpet. I went right up to Jeff, took his hand and informed him I was EVER SO looking forward to meeting all of his charming friends! I waved to the boys up on the porch, and I knew they were mine.

I heard Andrea's car pull up behind me and turned to intercept Mona before she tumbled out of that car like a commando ready to take out the bad guys. I put my arms around her neck and held on tight as I whispered, "there was a misunderstanding, but don't over-react." I let go of her until we were eye to eye and then I added, "I want to enjoy this, and if you start punching people it might ruin the mood."

That made her laugh, and when she realized I was into it she was totally on board because she'd actually like me to do more of this but she just tries to support whatever I'm willing to do. We both knew these guys posed no actual danger. They all looked like pasty-faced computer nerds, so I was pretty sure that Mona, Andrea and Mickey could take them all down if need be.

With Mona holding her fire, I returned my attention to Jeff, put my arm in his and had him lead me up the steps to make introductions for me. With each dude, I memorized his name and said it back to him. Several of them earnestly expressed their very sincere belief that it was so very cool that I was a nudist. And I would say girly debutante things like "oh, do you really think so?" and "it's so nice of you to say." Sometimes I would affect a bashful little pose -- basically inviting them to look at me again -- after which they would again attempt to politely declare how great I looked, and I would demurely thank them for their kind compliments.

Being gentlemen, they handed me a beer as soon as we went in the house, but I don't like beer so I just took a ceremonial sip and carried it around as a prop until I found someplace to abandon it.

Although I was really grooving on this attention, I did not lose sight of the fact that this was Mickey and Raygan's party and I didn't want to hog the limelight (any more than they probably expected would happen when they invited me to come naked), so I started asking them about the house. They took us on a tour and when we went upstairs I was aware of boys jostling with each other to be next in line behind me.

There was catered food, but not a sit-down dinner, which I was kinda glad of because I had too much energy to sit. We just made little plates and stood around chatting as we nibbled. Although most of us were standing, there were couches and chairs so some people sat. I did notice that the boys congregated in the seats that gave them the best direct line of sight between my legs, but I was in the mood to be tolerant of this.

Mickey had made a pitcher of a horrible-sounding combination of cherry coke, vodka and cheap champagne, which she laughingly explained was what she, Andrea and Mona used to drink in college. I did not know this bit of background detail because Mona had evidently become a much more sophisticated drinker by the time she met me. Surprisingly, though, it didn't taste as bad as it sounds, but I only sipped at it because I was high enough on my own juices. I was having giddy fun and yet felt fully in control -- not being a chatterbox and instead encouraging each person I spoke with to talk about themselves. Time flitted by and I could see out their front windows that it was almost dark.

When I no longer had a plate and fork in my hands to busy my fingers, I found myself repeatedly taking out my pony tail, fluffing out my hair, then changing my mind and putting it back in, and at first I didn't realize I was putting on a little show by doing this. Because when you are naked and you run your fingers through your hair to loosen it, you inevitably put your bare boobs on display even more than they already were, and of course they may bounce a little as you perform your task.

And then, of course, the putting-back-in of the hair band requires you to put your hands behind your neck, and inevitably more displaying and delicate wobbling will take place. You must also put down your drink to do either task, and the handiest place to do that was on the wide window sill where it only made sense to use the window as a mirror. Whenever I put my drink down to do that, Michelle would swing by with her pitcher and top me off again. As it got darker outside, the windows became more reflective and I was getting a kick out of watching myself naked amid all of these people as I compulsively fiddled with my hair.

I was feeling both aroused and also a little self-conscious, fearing people would think I had been doing that on purpose, which I honestly hadn't been until, well, the last time or two. So I started working into my conversations the fact that I had a lot of nervous energy and that was why I kept redoing my hairband because when I am jittery, I need to be doing something with my hands. Whenever I said this to someone, they would assume I was nervous about being naked around all of these people, and they would try to put me at my ease, just trying to be helpful, but inevitably this effort involved them saying something reassuring about how very nice I looked naked, although they usually didn't use that word (but I liked it when they did). All of this was really turning me on -- which I tried to resist for about 12 seconds and then decided was okay to let myself feel that because it was so much fun, and heck, they wouldn't know what was going on inside my head.

My glass was somehow full again so I had a few more sips and moved on to chat up someone else. I like to talk to everyone at a party, and I especially like to be sure there is no one just standing there with no one to talk to. I was in my element and there was nice music on so I was bopping a little as I mingled.

Well, we all had a grand time, probably me especially (although I hope it would not be presumptuous of me to speculate that it was probably also a red-letter day for those dudes).

It was getting quite late so we prepared to leave, and I said everyone's name back to them as we made our goodbyes, accepting many hugs. Then we got in our cars and left, with Mona driving this time. The temperature had dropped markedly and she offered to put up the top, but I said no. I wanted to feel the wind and the cold air. I wanted to feel it all.

* * * * *

Jack just called to tell me his father has died. It was completely unexpected because he wasn't sick nor, at 69, not particularly old. He died the way any of us might no matter how young and healthy we are -- hit by a car.

I never met him because he and Jack's mom moved out west when we were in college. Jack has flown out there for the funeral and to spend some time with his mom. Mona asked him if he'd like one or both of us to go with him but he said there was no need.

Jack always told me he felt lucky to have known his father at all because his father had been an alcoholic. Jack's parents split up over it when he was too little to remember, so until he was nine, Jack had no father. His mother worked all the time and Jack was alone a lot. Knowing him now, it's hard to imagine but at that young age he was bullied in school because he was quiet and didn't know how to play sports, and because of his isolation he did not know how to respond to being bullied.

And then one day . . . his father came home. He had started going to AA meetings and had been sober six months before he dared to knock on the door. Jack's father was originally from Boston and Jack would go into his accent whenever he talked about him. So the word "sober" became "sow-bah." I always assumed Jack was exaggerating that accent until one time he put me on the phone with him.

Although Jack's mother had done all she could and worked two jobs, they were still poor and Jack was growing up alone. But all that was transformed when his dad came back. He worked in house construction and made good money now that he wasn't drinking. Plus, he started teaching Jack all those manly things like hitting a baseball and standing up to bullies. Jack would have been a different person entirely if his father had not returned. The version of Jack that I know is confident and competent and casually brave. He's good at sports, can fix cars and build stuff. And when some jerk is bothering someone weaker, Jack will step in and nearly always just talk the guy down, dude to dude, and de-escalate the situation until they are buying each other drinks. But ... if that doesn't work, Jack is perfectly capable of putting that jerk on the floor (which I got to witness once). If you have seen the movie "Get Shorty," there's a scene where John Gandalfini throws a punch at John Travolta -- who puts Gandolfini on his ass, but then helps him back up and becomes friends with him. That's what I have seen Jack do. (Mona is also capable of knocking a jerk on his ass ... but she won't help him back up).

Back in college, when Jack first told me all of this, it made me cry. And he said there was no need to cry because it all worked out, and I remember telling him through my tears that I felt bad for that other version of him whose dad never came home.